Dear Tacit,
I think someone I know might be having some mental health problems. I want to be supportive, but I don’t know how to ask them about what is going on without sounding like I am being nosey or rude or offensive.
Signed: Awkward Conversations
Dear Awkward Conversations,
Your heart is in the right place! Talking to someone about their mental health does sometimes feel awkward. We often worry that we’ll say the wrong thing, make things worse, or somehow cross a line. But there is a big difference between being intrusive and being genuinely concerned. When your motivation is care rather than curiosity, people can usually feel the difference.
Have you seen the Seize the Awkward video series on YouTube? There are some amazingly informative (and short) clips on this very topic – they are a great reminder that sometimes the simplest approach is the best one. Here are some links to get you started:
Markiplier on Talking about Mental Health | Friendship & Mental Health | Ad Council
Shannon Beveridge on Being There | Friendship & Mental Health | Ad Council
https://www.youtube.com/watch?
And here are some suggestions from me – remember that mental health doesn’t need to be treated like some mysterious or forbidden topic. Just be yourself – show that you care – come from a place of curiosity (ask questions and then listen). It is really that easy!
Try to be discreet. This is not a conversation for the company water cooler, the middle of a party, or while standing around class with a group of friends. Find a private, comfortable setting where the person doesn’t feel like they have an audience. A walk, a coffee, or a quiet meal can work really well.
Pick your timing. You don’t need to suddenly drop a serious question into the middle of an already stressful or focused conversation. Give yourself – and the other person – a little breathing room. Sometimes the best conversations happen when you’re doing something side-by-side rather than sitting across from each other having a serious “we need to talk” moment.
Be sensitive and gracious. Leave the judgement at home. You might have noticed that someone has stopped going out, seems more withdrawn, is smoking weed more, isn’t taking care of themselves like they used to, or just doesn’t seem like themselves lately. But try to focus on the changes you have noticed, and don’t diagnose the person.
Be curious. Allow the person who is struggling to educate you about what is actually happening. Try not to walk into the conversation with your own explanation already prepared. Telling the other person that you know what they are going thru may be intended as comforting, but it often just shuts the conversation down. You may have experienced something similar, but you are still not experiencing the other person’s experience. Keep the conversation about them – not about you.
Be direct. Don’t beat around the bush so much that the other person has no idea what you are actually asking. If you can’t handle asking the question, they may get the message that you can’t handle hearing the honest answer either.
Closed-ended questions (like “are you feeling depressed?”) can make it very easy for someone to simply say, “Nope,” and the conversation ends. Instead, mention the signs you are seeing that are making you concerned (it’s okay to tell the person that they seem overwhelmed lately, or they seem to be pulling away more, or that they just don’t seem to be themselves over the past few days).
And then comes the really important part: listen. The word LISTEN is an anagram of SILENT – and there is something to that! We sometimes get so nervous about having these conversations that we immediately start filling the silence with advice, stories about ourselves, or suggestions about what the person “should” do.
Your job is not to fix the person you are talking to. You don’t need to have the perfect words. And you don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to validate the other person’s feelings. Most times, saying, “that sounds really hard,” or “I’m glad you told me,” is far more helpful than launching into a list of solutions.
If the person doesn’t want to talk, respect that too. Opening the door doesn’t mean they have to walk through it immediately. You can simply say, “That’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it right now. I just want you to know I’m here.” And then follow up again a couple of days later. Sometimes knowing that someone noticed – and didn’t disappear – is incredibly meaningful.
Of course, if you are seriously worried that someone may hurt themselves or someone else, that’s a different conversation. In that situation, it is okay to ask directly about safety and to involve appropriate professional or emergency supports. Asking about suicide, for example, does not put the idea into someone’s head. Sometimes a direct question is exactly what is needed for that person to get help.
But for everyday concerns, remember that you don’t need to become someone’s therapist. You can simply become someone who is willing to notice, care, listen and stay connected.
Mental health struggles can be incredibly isolating. One of the most helpful things we can offer another person is the feeling that they don’t have to hide what is happening in order to remain connected to us.
Take care!
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