Back Into The Dating World
Dear Tacit,
I just ended a very long-term relationship, and I would like to get ready to return to the dating world. Where do I start?
Signed: Back Into The Dating World
Dear Back Into The Dating World,
Congratulations on turning the page in this stage of your life. But let me warn you – getting back into the dating world after being in a long-term relationship can be a jarring experience! You might need to adjust your expectations. LOL It’s likely that you have forgotten (or maybe you never experienced) what the dating pool is like, these days. The easy access to online dating (which is a very common way to meet new people, for people of all ages now) opens up so many possibilities – and brings so many disappointments!
Before you dive into anything new, might I suggest that you first reflect on your past relationships. Give yourself time to finish grieving any losses or feelings of rejection you might have experienced before you jump into something new. Figure out what worked well in your past relationships– and what did not. Notice problem patterns within yourself and figure out what you maybe need to do differently this time, so these patterns do not repeat.
Be sure you have had the time to get really comfortable with yourself on your own again before you try to make room in your life for another person. Explore who you are now – your likes/dislikes, your passions, what makes you feel fulfilled and content. Unless you know how to meet your own needs as an individual person, you will likely end up using a new relationship more as a means to find answers – or to find yourself again. And that is seldom a recipe for a healthy or long-lasting connection with a new partner (someone else cannot make you happy – you have to know how to make yourself happy, and then be able to invite the right person to share that kind of life with you).
Go slow as you move into the dating world again. You don’t have to jump into the deep end of the pool by looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. Try making new friends – or casually dating – just to get comfortable with knowing how to connect with people in this relationship-kind-of-way again. Build up some confidence. Learn how to just “be” around other people that you don’t know at all. Test out your skills for spotting red flags and then handling them appropriately.
As you begin to meet up with new people, keep things light at first. You don’t have to share your whole life story on the first date. Of course, no one wants to waste their time by going too slowly, either. So set some boundaries (around time, effort and emotional investment) that create a comfortable pace for you. And honour those boundaries – don’t compromise too much at the initial dating stage, or you may find the whole relationship ends up being about settling.
Dabble with different ways of meeting new people. Let your friends and colleagues know you are ready to start dating again – they might know someone who could be a good connection. Step out of your comfortable zone a little – but have fun with it. Put yourself out there and participate in new activities and events where you will meet new people, face-to-face. Research the dating apps and pick the ones that seem safest or offer the most opportunities for your personality. There are a great many choices out there!
And like I said, expect some disappointment! LOL Sometimes a lot!! The dating pathways we travel down are not supposed to work out – until we find the right person. The majority of the initial connections you make will fizzle out – and that’s a good thing (you do not want to stay with someone who is not the best match for you). Embrace these forays into the dating world as learning experiences (especially about yourself). Be thankful for whatever insights there were to absorb. And then move on, gracefully.
Take care!
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