Building Resilience

Building Resilience

Dear Tacit,

When life gets overwhelming, I have a hard time knowing what to do.  I want to keep moving forward, but I get exhausted and defeated.  How can I keep myself from getting stuck in the negativity?

Signed: Building Resilience

Dear Building Resilience,

People ask me all the time about how they can overcome the challenges that life keeps throwing at them.  They don’t like feeling sad, or helpless, or disappointed when things don’t go the way they had expected or hoped.  They get frustrated and angry when the unfairness of this world seems to go on too long or becomes too painful.  Those feelings are all very reasonable and appropriate to have!

When we are feeling overwhelmed by the struggles around us, we need to allow ourselves an emotional outlet – we need to walk through (not around) the difficult feelings, connecting to them in appropriate ways, so they can be released.  If we avoid those feelings (or try to just think our way through them instead), they end up stuffed into our emotional baggage box and carried with us (sometimes for years to come).

Over time, that emotional baggage box gets heavy, and it starts to influence everything else that happens in our lives.  We can get emotionally stuck or stunted.  We can start to have problems being able to see the other aspects of life that are maybe not quite as bad.  And when good things happen (because they do/will!), we can sometimes have a hard time truly feeling positive – we cannot connect to the enjoyment, peace, calm and pleasure that life also has to offer.  We “know” the moments are good ones – but we can’t seem to connect to them emotionally when our emotional baggage box is too full of the negative feelings that we have not yet fully processed.

Building Resilience is a learned skill – we are not born knowing how to bounce back after a difficult moment.  But we are organically primed to the concept.  We are naturally open to the idea of getting back up again, after we are knocked down. When faced with adversity, we tend to rise to the challenge, almost right from birth. Building resilience is recognizing that in any situation we have a choice over how we respond.

There are two ways that we do this.  The first often comes easier – we problem solve.  We think of solutions to the issue at hand, and we find ways to empower ourselves again.  The second is often harder – we emotionally vent.  We find ways to externally channel the feelings that we are experiencing internally.  When these two steps are combined together, we become resilient.  We grow, we learn, we adapt – and we become stronger and more capable human beings.  But when we only do one of these two steps, we can get stuck.

So, borrowing from a wonderful list of strategies for building resilience that was shared in this month’s Action For Happiness Calendar, here are some starting places for ensuring that you (or the people you care about) are supported in facing the trials and tribulations that come along, so that everyone can create a better sense of mental wellness.

1. Take a small step to help overcome a problem or worry (nothing big – it may seem so small that you wonder how it can help – but it will!)
2. Adopt a growth mindset. Change “I can’t” into “I can’t…yet” (or into “I don’t want to, but I can”)
3. Be willing to ask for help when you need it
4. Find something to look forward to today (no matter how small it might be)
5. Get the basics right: eat well, drink water, move around and go to bed on time
6. Pause, breathe and feel your feet firmly on the ground (if possible, be literal with this – step outside onto the grass, in your bare feet so you can absorb the ions that act as antioxidants for your body)
7. Shift your mood by doing something you really enjoy (even just for 15 minutes)
8. Avoid saying “must” or “should” to yourself today (it might be harder than you think!)
9. Put a problem in perspective by seeing the bigger picture (ask someone else to describe the bigger picture to you, if you cannot see it yourself)
10. Reach out to someone you trust and share your feelings with them (make sure they know you just want them to listen and validate – not problem solve)
11. Look for something positive in a difficult situation
12. Write your worries down and save them for a specific ‘worry time’ (15 min every day – you decide when this happens, not your worries)
13. Challenge negative thoughts. Find an alternative interpretation. Push back on the parts that are not 100% true
14. Get outside to help clear your head (or sit by an open window)
15. Get yourself an achievable goal and take the first step (just one step – stop after the success)
16. Find fun ways to distract yourself from unhelpful thoughts
17. Use one of your strengths to overcome a challenge today (connect inward to become aware of the multiple strengths you have so you know which one would be easily used)
18. Let go of the small stuff and focus on the things that matter
19. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it
20. When things go wrong, pause and be kind to yourself (practice self compassion – Kristin Neff has great FREE resources to help with this)
21. Identify what helped you get through a tough time in your life, in the past (tap into that wisdom again)
22. Find 3 things you feel hopeful about and write them down (don’t just think about them – get them out of your head and onto some paper)
23. Remember that all feelings and situations pass in time
24. Choose to see something good about what has gone wrong (you don’t have to deny the negatives – just look for one thing beyond them, as well)
25. Notice when you are feeling judgmental and be kind instead
26. Catch yourself over-reacting and take a deep breath (or punch the chair cushion or yell into a pillow- redirect it, physically)
27. Write down 3 things you’re grateful for (even if today was hard)
28. Think about what you can learn from a recent problem
29. Be a realistic optimist. Focus on what could go right (even if there is only a 5% chance)
30. Reach out to a friend, family member or colleague for support
31. Remember we all struggle at times – it’s part of being human (let yourself connect with others through this awareness, so you don’t feel so alone)

For more great ideas relating to a wide variety of mental wellness topics, and for some terrific and FREE support groups, educational workshops and courses on all sorts of mental health themes, please check out Happier Kinder Together | Action for Happiness

Take care!

Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially. 

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