Cuddling Is Not For Me

Dear Tacit,

My spouse is a cuddler and I am not. How do we respect each other’s boundaries and still grow our intimacy/connection together?

Signed: Cuddling Is Not For Me

Dear Cuddling Is Not For Me,

What a terrific question. I suspect many couples reading this article will be able to closely identify with your situation! It’s great that you are wanting to find a balance between respecting boundaries and growing intimacy with your partner. We cannot always change who we are and what we like (nor should we feel we have to). But we can find effective ways to work through the differences that can naturally exist between two people who truly love one another.

Clear communication is a must! Start by having an honest, non-judgmental conversation about how you both feel. Express your need for personal space while also sharing how much you value your connection with your partner. Don’t just assume that you understand one another’s perspective (no matter how long you have been together) – the act of discussing how you feel is a form of intimacy, all on its own. Understanding each other’s perspectives will create empathy and set a foundation for both connection and compromise.

Are you and your partner open to connecting physically in other ways that do not always have to include cuddling? Cuddling can be comforting, but other activities (like holding hands, giving/receiving massages, sitting close together, or having meaningful touch without the intensity of full cuddling) can result in the same overall sense of physical closeness. Experiment with what feels right for both of you.

Try to create some intentional compromise. You could perhaps set aside specific times for cuddling—like at the end of the day or during a relaxing shared moment of watching a show together—while also having times where you can maintain your personal space. Both partners should feel respected and comfortable with the arrangement.

Is there an element of pressure that comes from the cuddling moments? If cuddling always seems to have to lead to something more, perhaps it is that outcome that you may not be wanting, at times. If you feel like you cannot just cuddle with your partner without a need to have to exert more energy because it will lead to something further, the cuddling can easily start to feel like a negative pressure when you are exhausted or just not in the mood. Practice having cuddling moments that are just about cuddling – and nothing else!

Intimacy does not always have to be physical. Perhaps help your partner understand that he/she can also foster emotional intimacy through deep conversations, shared activities, or expressing appreciation in different ways. And if your needs are being met through these more emotionally intimate connections, this can help strengthen the physical bond even without the need for cuddling, and maybe even create more interest in the physical intimacy gestures of cuddling, for you.

If you are open to it, you can also gently work on expanding your comfort zone with physical affection. This might include small steps, like initiating a brief cuddle or being close for a few minutes to build a middle ground that honors both of your needs. It might also include exploring different forms of physical intimacy that perhaps increase the control or level of initiation that you prefer you or your partner to have (it’s healthy to have both of you feeling comfortable taking the lead, at times).

The key is to ensure that honouring your boundaries and your desire for physical intimacy is rooted in mutual understanding and respect, and it sounds like you are both committed to finding a process that works. So, keep trying!

Take care!

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