Dear Tacit,
I am pretty good at sports, and have played all my life. But I don’t want to anymore – how can I tell my parents (who really want me to go further)?
Signed: I Want To Quit Sports
Dear I Want To Quit Sports,
Wow – this is a big issue! Talking to someone you love about a strong opinion you have that is in disagreement with theirs is a very challenging thing to do. I know a lot of adults who would struggle with being as brave as you are preparing to be! I commend you on your maturity for wanting to face this awkward and potentially triggering situation head on!
Let me start by saying that your feelings about not wanting to play sports any longer are completely valid. You are allowed to change your mind/evolve and grow out of the things you used to do, even if the people around you have other hopes for you.
Let me suggest that you start to prepare for the conversation with your parents by first spending some time being self-reflective. Be sure of the reasons you have for this change that you want to make. Are you burnt out – are there other things you would prefer to pursue instead – have you lost the joy that you used to feel when you played? In order to be able to explain this decision clearly to your parents, you must first fully understand it yourself.
When you feel ready to have this talk, think about what day or time works best for you and for them. Make sure no one is about to rush off to another activity, or has something else that is needing their attention. You want to have this conversation when it seems calm and quiet, so there can be thoughtfulness and consideration – not chaos or conflict.
Ideally, you will probably want to sit down with your parents to discuss things face-to-face (I am going to suggest that a conversation like this should not be done over text.) It’s okay if you want to write down the things you want to say. You are going to be stressed – so taking some notes into the conversation will help you stay on track and remember the important things that you want to share.
Try to be straight up direct with your parents. Speak your whole truth as clearly as possible. Identify the positives that you have experienced throughout your years of playing sports. Acknowledge your parents support and hard work as they helped you. And then share how you are feeling now and explain what has changed.
Reassure them that your decision to quit the sport is not going to result in you suddenly doing nothing at all. You may need to take a bit of a break until you feel ready to start something new – maybe it will be a job or some volunteer work – or maybe a different sport or a new hobby altogether– and that’s okay. Making sure that you will still find new ways to be motivated and to keep exploring new avenues in life is a huge part of what matters to your parents.
Let your parents know that your decision is also not going to result in the disappearance of the connection you have together. Your time in sports has likely been a huge part of the routine in your parents’ life too, so they may feel a sudden loss or emptiness at the idea that this activity that links you all together is going to disappear. They will need to know that you will still spend quality time with them and talk to them about other things.
Remember that your parents may be taken by complete surprise with this conversation. You have had time to prepare and to work through your emotions, but they likely have not. So, they might have some big reactions to your news, at first. They might be disappointed or sad. They might be startled by how grown up you have become, as they listen to you handle this conversation like an adult. Give them time to process what they are going through, and do not take their immediate reactions too personally. Be patient with them. They need time to think about everything you are telling them – and to realize that it will be okay as things change.
If your parents push back with some resistance, listen to what they are saying and give it some thought. You may not agree with their opinion (and that’s okay – I am not suggesting you must change your mind). But if you want them to respect what you are saying, you need to do the same for them.
If your parents are struggling to accept your decision and it gets heated, you can take a little time-out. Acknowledge that it’s a hard conversation for everyone, and maybe you all need a day or two to just think about everything that has been shared before you discuss it further. Set up a time to return to the talk and agree not to discuss it before then (so everyone gets a little break from the stressful emotions). And when you return to the conversation, be prepared to reiterate the important points you want to make and address any concerns they have mentioned. Show them that you know what is best for your needs.
And lastly, remember to express appreciation to your parents for listening to you and being willing to talk this out. Thank them for their time and their caring – for their patience and understanding (to whatever degree they could give it) – for their insights and opinions (even if you don’t agree with them) – and for being willing to show you that they love you and respect you by listening to you and valuing what you feel so strongly about (even if they don’t agree with you).
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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