Dear Tacit,
I recently lost my beloved dog and the sadness had hit me hard. My friends don’t seem to understand, and I don’t feel I can talk to them about how broken my heart is.
Signed: Losing A Dog
Dear Losing a Dog,
I’m really sorry that you are going through this. Losing a dog—or a beloved pet of any kind who was a source of unconditional love—is a deep and personal grief. Of course you are going to feel heartbroken. That’s a completely healthy response. And this kind of pain may not go away in just a few days or weeks.
For many people, pets are not just animals – they are a very real part of the family. Our pets love us completely and without condition. They are always there for us in the quiet moments, in joy, in sorrow. They seem to be able to sense when we need them. And they know the exact right thing to do to make any moment feel better. When that bond is broken, the silence that gets left behind can feel overwhelming. You’re not “overreacting”. You’re grieving a real relationship that was meaningful and constant.
When the people around you don’t understand or can’t hold space for that kind of pain, it can make things even more painful, unfortunately. And sometimes, we don’t know how to let people in, when we are hurting so deeply. It can feel like a very isolating and lonely time. But I want to say this clearly – your grief is real, and you have every right to feel the way you do. Please give yourself the time you need for this level of emotion to be felt and released. It might take a while!
Sometimes the people closest to us don’t know how to respond to grief—especially grief about animals. They might try to minimize it because they haven’t experienced that kind of bond. Or they might feel uncomfortable with deeper emotions that they don’t know how to handle. Your sadness might also be reminding them of past grief/loss in their lives and they might just not know how to explain that. All of this doesn’t mean your pain is too big —it just means they’re not equipped to be there for you right now.
So, you might need to find ways to get the support you deserve, from other sources. If you don’t find ways to cope with the sadness that you are feeling (if you try to ignore it or just push through it), it could become something deeper and harder to live with. So here are a few things you might try to do that could help:
There are other people out there who feel the way you do and who can understand what you are going through. These people are ready to talk about this kind of loss with you. Look for a pet loss support group (online or in-person). It’s funny how deeply personal stranger-connections can become, when people are brought together by something so emotional.
You can also try writing a letter to your dog. Or get artistically creative and draw, paint, sculpt (etc) your feelings for your pet. Or spend some time just talking to him. Expressing what you are feeling and what he meant to you (why you miss him so much) is so healing. It has been said that grief is all the love we had in our hearts that now has nowhere to go. But you can still give it an outlet that matters.
If it’s not too painful, create a small ritual that helps you still feel connected to your dog. Make a photo album, plant a flower or tree, go for a walk to a place you used to spend time together. These moments of loving reconnection can bring you some comfort and can help your grief feel like it has a purpose (and this can help you process those feelings of loss on an ongoing basis).
Remember too that sometimes, just being around someone who understands that you are suffering can be soothing and comforting. Tell your friends how hard this is for you. They do not have to have fully experienced something similar to appreciate that you are devastated and sad. Even if your friends do not have the right words, their silent compassion and care for you might be enough, if you can open up to them about how you are feeling. No one is going to be able to “fix” what you are experiencing. But having company to walk beside you on this tough journey can be enough. (If you feel stuck, you can also turn to a trusted counsellor or therapist – especially one that specializes in grief.)
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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