Need To Forgive

Need To Forgive

Dear Tacit,

I am having a hard time forgiving someone who hurt me deeply.  Everyone tells me I have to “let it go” or it will just cause me more issues.  But I don’t think I will ever be able to forget what they did.  Do I really need to forgive them?

Signed: Need to Forgive

Dear Need to Forgive,

First, let me just say that there is a big difference between forgiving and forgetting.  If someone has hurt us or mistreated us, we don’t want to forget the lesson that the experience has taught us.  We want that wisdom to remain with us forever.  But wisdom is not a wound – it does not cause damage.  It does not keep us stuck in painful emotions.  Wisdom allows us to grow and to learn and to connect stronger to the trust we have in ourselves (to not repeat the same mistakes, or to know that we are strong enough to survive a difficult time in life, for example).

Forgiveness is not saying that what has happened is “okay”.  It is not letting the other person “off the hook”.  It does require interaction with the other person.  It is also not the first step in the process of “letting go”.  Forgiveness cannot begin until we have fully processed the emotions that stem from the experience – it’s not a way to ignore, deny or invalidate those feelings.  In order to be ready to forgive, we must first allow ourself to connect to and release the feelings (which starts our healing journey).

Being able to forgive (others and ourselves) is important for several reasons:

1. Improves Mental Wellness:  Holding onto anger and resentment can increase stress levels and contribute to anxiety. Forgiving someone can alleviate these negative feelings and promote a sense of calm and peace. Forgiveness is also associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues
2. Enhances Relationships: Forgiveness can heal and strengthen relationships. It fosters trust and encourages open communication, which are essential for healthy, lasting connections. This can include the relationship with the person who hurt you – or with future relationships in your life.
3. Promotes Physical Health: Chronic anger and resentment can negatively affect your physical health, contributing to conditions like high blood pressure, heart disease, and weakened immune function. Forgiveness can improve your physical health by reducing stress-related symptoms.
4. Encourages Personal Growth: The process of forgiving can lead to personal growth and self-improvement. It often requires introspection and emotional maturity, helping you become more resilient and understanding.
5. Frees You from the Past: Holding onto past hurts can keep you stuck in a cycle of negativity (mistrust, anger, insecurity, etc). Forgiveness allows you to move forward and focus on the present and future, rather than being anchored to past grievances.
6. Improves Self-Esteem: Forgiving others can boost your self-esteem and self-worth. It empowers you to take control of your emotions and reactions, rather than being controlled by past events. It repairs the connection to yourself (which can sometimes be damaged when we get hurt by others).
7. Creates a Positive Cycle: When you forgive, you model positive behavior for others. This can create a ripple effect, encouraging a culture of forgiveness and understanding in your community and relationships.
8. Spiritual and Emotional Fulfillment: For many, forgiveness is a key aspect of spiritual or emotional fulfillment. It aligns with values of compassion, empathy, and love, and can be a crucial step in achieving inner peace.
9. Enhances Empathy: Forgiveness often involves understanding and empathizing with the person who hurt you. This can deepen your capacity for empathy and compassion, improving your interactions with others.

Forgiveness is a process that unfolds as a person is ready.  It is a conscious decision we make to move forward (which some people also call “letting go”).  And it involves a few different steps, especially if the situation is complex. Ultimately, forgiveness is important because it can lead to a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling life. It helps you release negative emotions and embrace a more positive and constructive approach to your relationships (current and future) and to your personal well-being.

Take Care!

If you would like to learn more about why forgiveness is important or if you need help to know how to start the process of forgiveness in your life – then please feel free to join us on Monday evenings at 6:30pm – for the “Forgiveness – and Letting Go!” Support Program that Tacit Knowledge is offering, in partnership with Beaumont FCSS, starting on May 27^th.  This FREE on-line Support Program runs for 4 weeks (May 27^th, June 3rd, 10th and 17th) – and it is available to anyone who lives in Beaumont. Participants do NOT have to attend all 4 sessions – to register and get the Zoom link, please contact Sandra at Beaumont FCSS at (780) 929-1006 or Sandra.Ampem@beaumont.ab.ca

Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially. 

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