Sandwich Generation
*** This week’s Dear Tacit was written by Courtney Larkan (one of our Tacit Associates)
Dear Tacit,
I’m feeling overwhelmed trying to care for both my kids and my aging parents, and I’m wondering if this makes me a part of the “sandwich generation”?
Signed: The Sandwich Generation
Dear The Sandwich Generation,
Yes, you are definitely describing what is being commonly referred to these days as the “sandwich generation”. This phenomenon is happening more and more as people deal with the stress of raising their kids while also needing to support their aging parents (honestly, it is the reality for a great many people right now). It usually happens to people who are in their 30s, 40s, or 50s. And the experience tends to make people feel like they are being pulled in every direction – like they are carrying more than their fair share of responsibility. It can be absolutely exhausting.
The sandwich generation concept has become more common in recent years for a few key reasons. People are living longer and so often need care well into their 80’s or 90’s. Many people are also having children later in life, which means the years intersect when they are raising kids and managing their parent’s elder care needs, simultaneously.
On top of that, the cost of care (for both children and seniors) is at an all-time high, and not everyone can afford extra help. Many people don’t have family members close by or strong support networks to lean on, so the responsibility for everything sometimes tends to fall on just one or two key individuals within a family network.
Add in the regular demands of work and everyday life, and it’s no wonder many caregivers feel overwhelmed and stretched thin. It is not just how busy these people are that leads to the exhaustion—it’s the emotional weight, the financial pressure, and the constant juggling act of trying to keep all of life’s balls in the air at the same time that wears a person down.
If you are a part of the sandwich generation, there are some small steps that you can take to ease some of the pressure you are feeling:
Talk it out. Whether it’s with a friend, a therapist, or someone going through something similar, just having someone to listen to can make a big difference. If there’s a local support group available, think about joining (or perhaps start one of your own) – it could be a great way to feel less isolated and alone.
Find ways to create small “you-time” spaces in your everyday life. Let your kids play with the neighbours while you and the other parents take a break. Or, if you are on supervision duty, set up a chair-sitting area on the lawn, to let yourself decompress while you are monitoring from the sidelines. Make plans to go for a walk (or lunch or coffee) with someone who you feel comfortable with (and who is nearby, so it’s easy to arrange), and let yourself enjoy a sense of connection and support that is all about you.
Lighten the load. If it’s possible, share the time that is needed to be spent with the people you love, with others. There are many different types of home care and activity programs for senior parents. And after-school programs or a trusted babysitter for the kids (an aunt/uncle, a neighbour or a trusted teen) can free up some of your valuable time and energy. Look for ways to create a bit more time in your own life. Consider using an occasional house cleaning service, a dog walker, or food delivery services (for groceries, or for meal delivery plans that make suppertimes easier). You don’t have to do everything all by yourself.
Plan Ahead. It’s not always an easy conversation to have, but making the arrangements now, for appropriate legal processes like wills, care plans, or power of attorney, can give you a sense of reassurance and clarity about what needs to happen eventually. There may also be some financial support or benefits (depending on your situation) that could be worth exploring, to help with the responsibilities when the time comes that these services are needed. Trying to make all of these decisions and plans in moments of crisis is not usually the best approach to ensuring everyone’s needs are properly being met.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution as to what will work for people who are caught in this sandwich generation situation. Every family, and the variety of generations that they encompass, have their unique differences and needs. The goal isn’t perfection. It is to find a way for you to be able to show up as the caregiver that you are, in as healthy and as balanced of a way as possible (so your own needs are met, too). It’s okay to acknowledge that this is hard to do because it IS hard. Every day, we need to learn new ways to care for ourselves and for those we care about the most.
If today feels heavy, start small. Ask for help. Take 10 minutes for yourself. Give yourself grace if you drop the ball – it’s going to happen. What matters is that you keep going, even if it’s just one step at a time. And remember, you’re not alone in this. You’re doing the best you can.
Take Care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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