Saying Sorry
Saying Sorry
Dear Tacit,

I have a friend that I am regularly upsetting – I find myself saying sorry to her all the time.  I really mean it when I say it, but then I find myself doing the same thing that annoys her, again. We seem stuck in a loop.  Any suggestions?

Signed: Saying Sorry

Dear Saying Sorry,

A good apology is one of the parts of every relationship (romantic, familial, work-based, etc) that needs to be practiced and perfected.  Unless it is done fully, remnants of the difficult feelings that get produced during the challenging situation will remain, even after one person logically knows that the other person is sorry.

Believe it or not, the first step in making amends after a disagreement has occurred is NOT the “saying sorry” part.  Before a friend/loved can truly hear the apology you are offering, they need to feel understood and validated.  They want you to listen and to show that you have a real understanding of how they are feeling.  This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything being said.  But you do have to demonstrate that you have a complete sense of your friend’s perspective, in order to rebuild the connection that had perhaps been a little damaged.  Of course, your friend has to be ready to share what they are feeling, and not get stuck in the blame-game (focusing on your behaviour as the problem, rather than how the situation made them feel).  This can take a bit of time, especially if either person has become quite emotional.  They need time to figure out the feelings they are experiencing, and the impact of the hurt/damage within themselves, so they can share it effectively.

After your friend indicates that they do feel validated, you are welcome to move into the apology.  Remember, this is not meant to be a defense of your behaviours or your intentions.  You can discuss your own feelings/perspective in a separate conversation.  This moment is the chance to own your role in what happened and to take responsibility for what you honestly believe you did wrong.  Be specific and focus on your own feelings – this is not the time to say “I am sorry that YOU got upset, but…”.  Try saying “I’m sorry that my behaviour (name it) triggered/caused you to ____ (be specific, using the understanding you just gained while you were listening to the sharing about their feelings).

Part of a good apology is trying to fix what was damaged.  So, follow-up your ownership of what you did wrong with a sincere explanation of what you will do moving forward, to ensure the situation does not happen again.  You may need some help to do this, so don’t be afraid to invite the assistance of your partner at this point.  If you can problem-solve together, you will be healing the hurt as a team.  And this rebuilds the connection between you both.

And finally, perhaps the most important part of the apology is putting into action what you have just discussed with your friend.  Saying you are sorry only works the first (or maybe the second time) you do something inappropriate.  If you keep repeating the behaviour, especially after fully understanding the depth of the hurt/damage you are causing, you are sending the message that you are perhaps not that sorry after all.  Or maybe there are other factors that need attention that are rooted in the triggers for your behaviours.  You will need to deal with that.

Conflict in relationships is seldom the actual problem. It is how the conflict gets addressed that either results in gaps and disconnection between friends/loved ones, or in a strengthening of understanding and trust that can solidify the bond between you both.  Choose wisely!

Take care!

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