Sick of Feeling Less-Than
Dear Tacit,
I compare myself to others all the time, and it makes me miserable. How do I stop?
Signed: Sick of Feeling Less-Than
Dear Sick of Feeling Less-Than,
Comparing yourself to others is a tough habit to break, especially in a world where we constantly see other people’s highlight reels (exaggerated or not). Patterns of comparison are one of the biggest killers of self-worth and happiness.
People tend to compare themselves to others in a few key ways. They look at their careers and sometimes feel like others are more successful, while they are falling behind. Or they judge themselves relative to someone else’s appearance (comparing looks, body image, or the aging process). They might compare relationships with friendships, partners, or families. We also sometimes see people who appear naturally charismatic, happy, or secure in themselves, and feel envious. And certainly, a popular measure that we spend time comparing is money and lifestyle (seeing others who own certain things, go on vacations, or live in lovely homes can trigger feelings of inadequacy).
So how can we stop falling into these patterns of comparison?
We need to remind ourselves that we are likely comparing apples to oranges. Our not-quite-there-yet moments are probably being held up to someone else’s best moments. Social media, work successes, or even casual conversations rarely show the reality of the struggles, failures, or insecurities that happen to other people. And what others show us can sometimes be an illusion – an exaggerated circumstance (or sometimes a complete falsehood) about their life.
Try finding the inspiration that empowers you, in whatever you notice about others. Make it about you at a deeper level. Figure out what you can learn from the other person’s situation that will maybe inspire or influence you or help you move towards the goals that you hold for yourself. Use another person’s success as proof of what is possible for you – and not a judgement of something that is missing in your life/self worth.
When we understand why we are having these “less-than” thoughts, we can determine if they are accurate. Identify the negative tapes that are playing in your head – there will likely be a few versions of the same root theme. Once you have identified the message (for example: “I will never get X because I am lazy/stupid/ugly”, or “I am just not good enough”), try to determine who first planted that thought in your mind. When did it first start developing? Ask yourself if there is any real proof that the thoughts are true? Or have they just become habit messages that now repeat automatically?
If the thoughts that you have about yourself are not true, then you can easily change them. You can begin to create new tapes in your head – positive self-talk themes that focus on the strengths and capabilities that you know do exist. Whatever we feed/give attention to will grow stronger, so learn how to notice and acknowledge the goodness that is within you (this is often uncomfortable for people, at first – but it is absolutely necessary if we want to see ourselves honestly and feel worthy).
If there are things that are not quite the way you want about yourself, that’s okay too. You can learn how to talk to yourself in a way that is truthful and encouraging. Be supportive (like you would be to a friend or a loved one). Find ways to become your own cheerleader rather than your abusive bully. Measure yourself against you (instead of against others) – the you from your past – and notice how far you have come. What have you learned – how have you moved towards your goals– what has improved, even slightly, over the years? By tracking these successes and using them as the foundation for your self-talk, you motivate yourself to keep moving in the right direction.
Limit your access to the comparisons that are triggering for you. Be picky about what you surround yourself with – choose inspiring (hope-filled and encouraging) ways to spend your time. Allow yourself to feel enthusiastic and stimulated, instead of beaten down by what you are seeing in the world around you. Do you have people in your life who role model self-acceptance and self-empowerment, and are therefore not threatened by the success of others (so they can regularly celebrate you)? Or is your life filled with people who keep competing with one another, so they have something to gain by helping you see yourself as less-than? That will make all the difference in the world about how you feel about yourself, at the end of each day!
And remember that your value as a person is NOT tied to your external achievements. Becoming proud of who we are as a whole person (based on our values, beliefs and behaviours) is the only pathway that leads to feelings of contentment and satisfaction in life. Intrinsic (internal) feelings that we are “enough” come from living a life that reflects who we really are as a human being – not what we own or look like. We need to know ourselves well and have a healthy connection to the person we are and want to be, before we can release the feeling of less-than and achieve a feeling of “enough”.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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