Dear Tacit,
This is going to be my first holiday season being sober. Do you have any pointers that can help during this time where using substances seems so expected?
Signed: Sober For The Holidays
Dear Sober For The Holidays,
Woohooo – Congratulations! This is a huge deal and I want to commend you on this amazing achievement! You are wise to recognize that the next month or so is likely going to be a bit of a challenge. Facing your first holiday season sober can bring up a wide variety of feelings – well-deserved pride, perhaps some anxiety, and definitely some stress and pressure. All of that is normal. And the fact that you’re thinking ahead means you’re already setting yourself up to succeed.
Here are a few suggestions for making this year’s festivities a continued healthy success…
Identify your people and plan your supports ahead of time. Choose one or two friends who you can turn to with a text or a call if you are feeling shaky. Create a network of people who understand your goal and won’t minimize any struggles you might have. And then connect with these trusted supports on a regular schedule when you are being tempted. Brief moments of touching base with healthy cheerleaders can help keep you grounded.
Have an exit strategy prepared before you arrive. Remember that you are allowed to leave any event, at any time (even 5 minutes after you get there, if you feel it would be best). Have a phrase ready which allows you to bow out gracefully – you do not owe anyone an explanation, but sometimes it helps us feel less awkward to know what we might say as we are leaving. (Something like, “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow, but I’m so glad I could stop by.”) Sitting near the door or arriving in your own transportation can also make it a bit easier to leave whenever you wish.
Bring your own drinks. Having something in your hand is an easy way to dramatically decrease the pressure that comes with getting an offer for another kind of drink. Opt to sip on a sparkling water with lime or a coke – or bring your favourite non-alcoholic cocktail to enjoy. Many great hosts will have some choices on hand but don’t leave it to chance. And practice a few key phrases that you can say to empower yourself if someone does offer you some alcohol.
Give yourself permission to say no. You don’t have to attend everything, especially the events that are perhaps a bit triggering for you. Skipping an invite isn’t a failure – it’s self-protection.
Be prepared and expect that some challenging feelings may come up. Holidays can amplify negative family dynamics, feelings of loneliness, all kinds of stress, and surges of nostalgia. They are normal (and not signs of weakness or doubt). They are predictable emotional waves that do not have to overwhelm you, if you know to anticipate them and have strategies for managing them when they happen. If you name what you’re feeling (recognizing that it is just a feeling and not a craving), it often loses power.
Create some sober traditions. When we take away the old habits, we have to remember to fill the space with something new – something that affirms the new path we are on so those moments can be just as rewarding. Try starting the holiday off with a morning walk – bake or cook something different – develop a fresh gratitude ritual that you can do alone or share with your loved ones – watch a special movie – host a sober-friendly hangout. These new activities will help your brain associate the holiday season with new, healthier patterns.
Have something to do after each event that you plan to attend (wind down with a relaxing show, or some comforting food, or a call with someone supportive). Your brain loves rituals. And they are a perfect way to positively re-enforce the more challenging choices that you made earlier in the evening. Make sure the night ends in a way that feels safe and rewarding.
Choosing sobriety isn’t meant to be deprivation – it’s protection. It can be easy to start thinking that you’re missing out on the “fun”, but you are actually giving yourself clarity, safety, and self-respect. That’s huge. Celebrate these wins. They are victories. So, treat them like it. Many people who drink heavily around the holidays would give anything to feel the kind of control that you’re building now.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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