Stuck In A Rut
Dear Tacit,
I feel so stuck in my life – I seem to just be doing the same things, over and over. How can I break out of this rut I am in?
Signed: Stuck In A Rut
Dear Stuck In A Rut,
I think most of us can understand this feeling! Life cannot be exciting and high energy all of the time. Sometimes we just get busy, and there is no time for new things and fresh energy. Sometimes, we get complacent, even bored, with how we are spending our days. This is a good thing – we need this time to slow down and consider the trajectory we are on in life. It allows us to make intentional choices about the changes or the consistency we want to enjoy, moving forward.
But sometimes, we may lose our momentum and flow. It’s always harder to get started again from a stop position. It requires more energy and drive to get the wheels turning when they are at a stand-still. And without the proper internal focus and motivation, we sometimes avoid diving back into the forward direction of our life’s journey. We second-guess if the effort will be worth it (and sometimes get caught in thinking we have to have all the answers before we take the first step). Or we get comfortable with the “meh” feeling because nothing terrible is happening (which seems like a good place to be in, in comparison to trying something new, with its risk of failure and bad outcomes).
Just remember that being in a rut is a (temporary) state of being. It is NOT your identity. It’s a season, not a sentence. It can feel like it defines everything, but it doesn’t. You’re still you under there. Maybe quieter right now. Maybe weary. But not gone.
“Stuck” can look a lot of different ways: emotionally, creatively, professionally, in relationships, in habits… so maybe start with trying to figure out where you feel stuck. Get more specific. What exactly feels stuck? Are you bored? Overwhelmed? Lost? Numb? Trapped? Afraid? Sometimes being in a rut comes from unspoken grief, burnout, disappointment, or unmet expectations. Naming it helps take away some of its power and gives you something to work with.
Stuckness often thrives in routine or rumination. If you want to make a change, don’t expect to make a big full-life overhaul all at once. Learn to say “yes” more often. But start by changing one thing, once a day. And then increase this to 3 times a day – morning, afternoon and evening. Eventually, add in more, as you wish.
The changes could be something new – take a walk on a different street, call someone you have not chatted with in a while, try a new food, change your perfume/cologne. Or add in just one “good” thing – something that makes life just a wee bit more enjoyable. It might be wearing a favourite outfit, spending 5 minutes watching the stars or the clouds roll by, walking barefoot in the grass, etc. Or add in 15 minutes of a meaningful activity – anything that even slightly pulls you toward aliveness (reading, sketching, music, nature, time with good friends, etc).
Lower the bar, on purpose. Tiny shifts in our brain become our new permanent. And they are often much easier to manage than one giant step (which can result in the rubber band effect – being too hard to maintain forever so we snap back to where we started). If you’re waiting for motivation or clarity, figure out what the smallest next step would be that could still be considered progress. Even if that’s just writing one sentence about what has been looping in your head. Or saying one thing that’s been unsaid. Or just getting out of bed. Do one small thing differently today (even brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand—it sounds silly, but it activates your brain differently).
Sometimes, you’re not stuck because you’re lost—you’re just tired. Are you burned out, physically or emotionally? Rest might be the antidote, not more pushing. Do you know how to slow down your mind so it can rebalance and return to its neutral (and then its positive) state? Isolation also makes the rut deeper. Reach out, even just a little—whether it’s for conversation, therapy, or just so that someone sees you. Go to the store or to a local market (even just for 10 min a day). Call or text a friend you have not chatted with in a while. Go out to the movies, sit in a park and people-watch, smile at a stranger. Make a connection in any way that feels good for you.
Talk out what you are feeling. Sometimes just speaking the feeling out loud (to someone safe or to yourself, through a journaling activity) can bring in a new perspective. What is the narrative that you have been telling yourself – that it’s too late or that you’re stuck forever or that no one gets how you are feeling? Counter those (not with Mary Poppins thinking – which we call toxic positivity) with a “maybe” perspective. Try telling yourself “maybe it’s not too late”, or “maybe I am more capable than how I feel” or “maybe others have gone through this too”.
And start to imagine what your life would look like if you were not so stuck. What kind of person would you be, if you could be anyone? Who do you admire and respect (real or imaginary), and what is it about that person that draws you to them in such a positive way? Build in a little day-dreaming time every day, so your mind can wander to new ideas and new visions. If we cannot see the destination (even vaguely), we are unlikely to step forward in our journey. Sometimes we fill the downtime moments in our life with mind-numbing activities. And this stunts our ability to dream and consider creative possibilities. Put down that phone, turn off the device and allow yourself to sit and be bored. Your brain knows what to do. It will turn inward and start thinking of all sorts of possibilities. It just needs the chance to do so!
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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