Support My Teen Without Being Overbearing
Dear Tacit,
How do I support my teen without being overbearing?
Signed: Support My Teen Without Being Overbearing
Dear Support My Teen Without Being Overbearing,
Supporting your teen without being overbearing is a delicate balance. You want them to know you’re there for them, but you also need to respect their independence. If your teen doesn’t naturally open up in certain situations, the best approach is to build trust through consistency rather than expecting deep conversations to happen all at once.
Be Present Without Pushing. Instead of bombarding your teen with questions, just be around them more often – do more things with them —so they can open up when they feel ready. Low-pressure moments, like chatting while driving, cooking, or doing chores together, are usually far more effective at getting teens to start talking (at least initially). Sometimes, small role-modelling gestures—like just sitting nearby, sharing a funny story, or casually mentioning something about your own day—can help them feel more comfortable opening up. But be okay with silence, too – just “being” with your teen is a great way to give support too.
Listen More, Give Advice Less. When your teen does share, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions. At first, they just need to vent. Learning how to properly validate (offering no agreement/disagreement and no other perspectives) is a skill many of us struggle to develop. But to truly support someone, we have to connect empathetically first. Try not to dismiss what they are saying as trivial – don’t say things like “things will be better tomorrow” – remember that whatever they are feeling is a big deal to them. So, respect what they are sharing. And ask them if they want your wisdom and suggestions before you offer them!
Respect Their Need for Space. Teens crave independence and want to problem-solve things for themselves. This can be tough, especially when you see them struggling and want to help. Instead of demanding answers, offer opportunities and allow your teen to have some control in the moment. You can text or comment, just letting them know the door is open, if/when they want to talk. You can mention what you are noticing (that they seem stressed) and ask them if they want to grab some ice-cream and hang out for a while. Be okay with them saying no – just keep gently offering. Encourage your teen to know that they can still share with you after the fact, so the choices they make are their own (to whatever degree is safe) but so you can still feel connected.
Be Their Safe Place. Let your teen know that they won’t get immediate consequences for opening up. If they admit to having done something wrong, just listen and validate first. Then try to focus on the fact that they are owning responsibility for their actions – and then try problem-solving, rather than jumping straight to punishment. (When my kids were teens, I liked asking them what they thought was an appropriate consequence for whatever they had done – the discussions about why they picked a certain punishment was often very enlightening!)
Support Their Mental Health Without Forcing It. Model self-care yourself (are YOU managing stress in healthy ways?). And encourage your teen to explore various forms of support, just to try it out. If they know what is involved in the process of getting a massage, or going to therapy, or signing up for an exercise class before they are in crisis, they will be more comfortable with and more likely to utilize those supports when they are in need. Offer to go with them as they try out new options (but be okay if they prefer to take a friend!).
Let Them Take the Lead Sometimes. Ask for their input on decisions that affect them. Ask them what they think might make them feel more supported. Give them a few options and ask them which one they would like to maybe try. And let them know that they do not have to stick with something long-term if they don’t feel it’s helping (keeping in mind that it often takes 3 or so times before we work through the “newness” of a situation and truly know if an option is what we need or not).
Accept Their Personality. If your teen is just on the quieter, more introverted side, try to connect with them in their own unique ways. Would they perhaps communicate easier thru art or music or thru some writing about what they are feeling? Will they open up more thru text instead of verbal conversation? Be flexible in the ways you are trying to talk with your teen. Come from the level of their comfort more than your own.
The best thing you can do to be a support to your teen without coming across as overbearing is to continue being a steady, supportive presence in their lives, no matter what. Even if they don’t share much, they will appreciate knowing you’re there when they need you.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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