Walking On Eggshells
This week’s article has been written by one of Tacit’s Neurofeedback Associates – Courtney Larkan
Dear Tacit,
I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and can’t be honest about what I am thinking when I am around certain friends or family members. I’m afraid of upsetting someone or causing conflict, and staying quiet has started to make me feel disconnected from myself. How can I express myself honestly while still being respectful?
Signed: Walking on Eggshells
Dear Walking on Eggshells,
I’m sorry to hear that you do not feel comfortable (or perhaps safe) in being your genuine self around some of the people in your life. That is an emotionally exhausting situation to have to live in.
This worry about needing to walk on eggshells often stems from a history (or current circumstances) that involves being around people who have unpredictable moods, frequent outbursts, or problems with healthy mood regulation. By focusing on the emotions of others (rather than your own) – by staying quiet, reading the room, and adjusting your behavior in response to what would make other people happy – it sounds like you have learned to keep yourself safe and to protect yourself from the potentially volatile or possibly dangerous reactions of others.
Unfortunately, this kind of emotional hyper-awareness causes a person to live in a heightened state of chronic stress-response. The nervous system cannot relax and this is why it is so draining. This way of being requires constant emotional regulation (of self), hyper-vigilance, and self-censorship. A person often begins to second-guess their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. They end up in “performance mode” – and being inauthentic to one’s own self for long periods of time goes against our natural instincts and need for expression. It creates a habit of being disconnected in order to function. And these patterns tend to bleed over into all of our other relationships too.
So how can a person safely change these patterns?
Learning to set healthy boundaries can help you reconnect with your real self. It’s not about building walls or pushing people away. You don’t have to be aggressive or demanding. It’s more about creating the space you need to feel safe, grounded, and true to yourself. You can start small by speaking up and voicing your opinion when you are around people that are safe. Even if your voice is shaking, you are behaving in a way that is congruent to what you really think and feel – and it will get easier with practice.
As you share more with others who might not like the authentic you, you can try to gently advocate for yourself and do what is best for your needs by saying things like, “I want to keep this conversation respectful,” or “Let’s take a break and come back to this when things are calmer.”
Using “I” statements can help too. By focusing on yourself (and not trying to tell the other person how they should be), you can more successfully establish your boundaries without putting the other person on the defensive. Phrases like, “I feel anxious when voices get raised,” or “I need some time to process before responding,” can open the door to clearer, more respectful communication. You can also set emotional boundaries within yourself – like deciding you’re not going to take responsibility for someone else’s mood or behavior.
Just a heads-up – people who are used to you tiptoeing around them might not love your new boundaries right away. They might get defensive, try to guilt-trip you, or push back on your limits. That’s pretty common. And in a strange way, it’s often a sign that those boundaries were very much needed. It might feel uncomfortable at first – even scary. But the discomfort usually fades as you keep practicing and staying true to yourself.
We all deserve to be in relationships where we feel grounded, respected, and free to be exactly who we are. If our boundaries (and thoughts, feelings and needs) continue to be dismissed or disrespected, it’s okay to take a step back to reassess how comfortable the relationship really is. And remember, we don’t have to figure it all out alone. Talking to a therapist, or a trusted friend can make a big difference. They can help us untangle those patterns and support us as we rebuild our sense of safety and self.
Healthy relationships are the ones in which we feel safe being honest, even if we disagree with someone else. They are the ones in which we can express our thoughts and feelings without a fear of being punished, ignored, or criticized. If the relationships you are in regularly cause you to feel like you have to shrink or walk on eggshells, it’s okay to question whether or not they are a safe or healthy option that you want to stay connected to.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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