Dear Tacit,
My kids are back in school/sports and life is getting crazy busy for us all again. It seems like we are rushing everywhere, all of the time. How can we keep things calm and manageable?
Signed: Frantic and Frenzied Schedules
Dear Frantic and Frenzied Schedules,
The question you pose is one asked by most families! We never mean to let things get so crazy – we typically start off September with the best intentions of keeping things structured and flowing smoothly. We have a plan – and on paper, it should work.
But life has a way of tipping the apple cart – and before we know it, we are rushing from one place to another, trying to remember if we have all the kids in the car as we back out of the driveway! What we really need is to do less, in order to be able to do things more successfully! Let me explain….
There is a lot of research that shows our stress-response system gets activated many times a day. Little things add up – traffic, emails, deadlines, missing shoes, forgotten homework, a child who can’t find their gym clothes, dinner that still needs to be made, and the realization that someone has an activity starting in 15 minutes! And then there are the bigger things that life occasionally throws at us – the car breaks down, someone needs a trip to the hospital, the roof starts leaking, we get laid off.
There is a huge amount of societal pressure on every family to keep up with what is considered the norm/necessary. We have to pay the bills – we want our kids in the activities they enjoy – the dog has to be walked – we need to attend the social functions that keep us connected to friends and family. And before we know it, every waking moment is filled with something that needs doing. Down time is almost impossible to find – and being bored or just relaxing is considered a sin of laziness.
But here’s the thing – we actually NEED quiet time – time filled with nothing – in order to self-regulate. We need moments when nothing is expected of us. We need time to breathe, regroup, process what has happened and simply exist without having to accomplish something. And we need this interspersed a few times in our day – not just for a few moments before we drift off to sleep at night.
Emotionally, we need to be able to process what we are feeling all day long, so we can release that emotional energy and let things go. Cognitively, we need to allow our experiences to move from our short-term memory into our long-term processors, so we can retain the wisdom and knowledge that we garner from each situation. Physically and mentally, we need time to rest so we can switch gears and launch into the next challenge, at the top of our game.
None of these things are possible if we are thinking about 4 other things at the same time. Filling every waking moment with things to do is what drains us – it adds to the stress we are already feeling and we start forgetting things – it helps manifest mental health issues like anxiety, depression and low self-esteem – and it creates physical struggles like problems with our sleeping patterns, our weight, and our energy levels.
Here are some simple ways to create a bit of a slow down. Take a hard look at the family calendar. Not everything that can fit into it needs to be added. Figure out if all these events are things that each person actually enjoys doing. Give yourself permission to say no and to do less, based on what is truly best for your own family (not anyone else).
Build in “nothing time.” Schedule decompression time for each family member and commit to it (just like you would a dentist appointment). “Nothing time” doesn’t have to mean everyone sits silently in a room. It might mean reading, listening to music, taking the dog for a walk, sitting on the deck, playing a board game, drawing, chatting or simply staring out the window. The important part is that there is no pressure to accomplish anything.
Create routines. A little preparation can prevent a lot of frantic scrambling. Pack lunches the night before. Put backpacks and sports equipment by the door. Have a shared family calendar. Decide ahead of time who will be responsible for which pickups and drop-offs throughout the week.
Leave some space for the unexpected. If you schedule every minute of the day, one forgotten permission slip can throw the entire family into chaos. Give yourselves some breathing room. A schedule that has a little flexibility built into it is much easier to live with than one that requires everything to go perfectly.
Lastly, remember to smile when you hear someone in your family say they are bored! Boredom isn’t necessarily a problem that needs to be fixed. In fact, it can be an opportunity. When we aren’t always being entertained, instructed or driven somewhere, we have the chance to use our imaginations, notice our feelings, and figure out the next dream or vision for our life. And sometimes it’s in those quiet moments are when the best conversations happen. You might be surprised by what comes out when nobody is rushing off to the next thing.
We don’t need to eliminate busy. Some busy is wonderful! Kids should have activities they love, parents should have interests and commitments, and families should have places to go and people to see. We just need to make sure busy doesn’t become the only way we live.
When we slow down, we leave room for life to happen. You will be amazed at the relationships that grow stronger – the self awareness that develops – and the sense of balance that begins to return.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
Do you need some counselling support or some Neurofeedback Training, to help you cope?
Make an Appointment Or contact us thru our email (counsellors@tacitknows.com) for more information.