Blame Shifters
Dear Tacit,
How do you deal with blame shifters who do not take responsibility for their actions?
Signed: Blame Shifters
Dear Blame Shifters,
People avoid taking responsibility for their actions for various reasons. We cannot always know what truly lies beneath the surface of another person’s behaviours (we often judge their actions based on our own hurt/anger in the situation; or from the lens of our own personal life experiences). This can lead to misunderstandings and harsh judgements (we tend to assume other people’s choices are personal to us specifically, and we can react in a defensive way).
Sometimes a person might fear the consequences (punishment, criticism, or negative outcomes) if they admit fault – they might worry about damaging their reputation or relationships with others. A person may be struggling with low self-esteem or insecurities about their worthiness (this often leads to issues like perfectionism tendencies or quick defensiveness responses) – and admitting mistakes can be taken as a personal failure (so the person becomes guarded) rather than a learning opportunity.
Some people have not developed the emotional resilience or maturity to face their mistakes or criticism. They may lack the skills to manage conflict or accept constructive feedback. A strong ego can make it difficult to admit fault – it feels like losing control or power. And too much focus on pride can limit a person’s ability to acknowledge vulnerability.
A person may struggle to reconcile their self-image (for example, wanting to believe they are a good person) with their actions, leading them to rationalize or deny responsibility to maintain internal consistency. Taking responsibility often requires facing uncomfortable emotions like guilt, shame, or regret. Avoiding these feelings can be a way of protecting oneself from emotional pain.
A person may have grown up in an environment where blame-shifting was modeled, making it a normalized coping mechanism. If they were excessively criticized in the past, they may have learned to deflect blame to avoid judgment. If their social or professional environment doesn’t hold the people accountable, they may feel avoiding responsibility is the norm. Sometimes blame-shifting is deliberate, as a way to manipulate others or maintain control in a situation. This behavior is often seen in toxic relationships or workplace dynamics.
Dealing with people who avoid taking responsibility for their actions can be challenging. When we try to force a person to own accountability directly, we sometimes see the reflection of the issues mentioned above within our own selves. What can often work better is to try moving away from needing the person to openly say they made the mistake/were in the wrong, and focus more on the problem-solving aspect of the situation, as a team. When we unite together and form a “we” approach (for example, saying something like “I want us to focus on solving the problem instead of discussing who is at fault”), the other person can often receive the learning more effectively.
Here are strategies to manage such behavior effectively:
Stay Calm and Objective – avoid reacting emotionally. Stick to the facts and focus on the specific issue.
Set Clear Boundaries – be firm about what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Clearly explain the impact of the behavior and what will happen if it continues. And enforce consequences, if it is necessary. (Remember that “boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions”!)
Use “I” Statements – avoid sounding accusatory by framing concerns with “I” statements that express how you are feeling (not what the other person did).
Redirect the Conversation – guide the discussion back to the productive issue at hand, which is the solution (not the determining of blame).
Encourage Accountability – ask open-ended, neutral questions like “What do you think could have been done differently?” or “What steps can we take to prevent this in the future?”
Model Accountability – show by example how to take responsibility for mistakes. When we can admit our errors and discuss openly how we plan to address them, we demonstrate that it’s a sign of strength, not weakness. And we create a safe place for the other person to do the same.
Protect Yourself Emotionally – recognize that the behavior reflects more about the other person, and may not be about you. Don’t internalize the blame or feel guilty for holding them accountable.
Seek Support if Needed – if the blame shifter is someone you deal with regularly (e.g., at work or in personal life), it may help to talk to a neutral third party or mediator to resolve ongoing issues.
Take care!
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