Biological Clock

How do I deal with the stress of the ticking of my biological clock – I feel like I am running out of time but I am not in a position to have kids yet.  And people keep asking!

Dear Biological Clock,

That feeling of time slipping away can be incredibly stressful, especially when it’s tied to something as big as having kids. Here are some ways to help manage the pressure:

Acknowledge your feelings, without panic.  It’s completely valid to feel the way that you do. Instead of trying to push the stress away, acknowledge it.  Recognize that you are feeling this pressure because the issue is important to you.  Recognizing the emotion (and allowing it) without spiraling can help you stay grounded.

Challenge the idea of a “deadline”.  The idea of a strict biological clock is not accurate these days. While fertility does decline with age, medical advancements (such as egg freezing or IVF) have created more options than ever. Surrogacy might be a terrific avenue for support.  There may be options that you have not considered, which can help alleviate some of the pressure you are feeling.

Focus on what you can control.  If you are not in a position to have kids right now, what can you do to prepare?  It’s never too early to prioritize your health to optimize future chances. Save money or research financial planning for parenthood.  Explore different paths to having a family (adoption, fostering, co-parenting). There are so many steps necessary before the having-a-baby part must be addressed, to help you become the successful parent that you want to be.  Laying the foundation is a huge part of fulfilling this desire in a healthy way.

Separate external pressure from your true desire.  The stress you are feeling might be coming from societal or family expectations rather than your own timeline.  There is no one “right-way” to fulfil this desire.  Depending on your personal situation, you may consider becoming a single parent or having a child with a life-long friend.  Traditional family concepts are changing with every year that passes.  Spend a bit of time considering what it is that you truly want (including whatever might be the best timing for you to begin your journey towards parenthood).

Look at the bigger picture of your life.  Having kids is a big deal, but so is the rest of the life that you are building. Hopefully, there are many aspects of what you would like for your future – personally, professionally, emotionally. Don’t get too focused on just one part of yourself.  Sometimes shifting the focus to overall fulfillment can ease the ticking-clock anxiety.

If you are worried about medical complications/barriers, be sure to talk to a doctor or a fertility specialist.  If the stress is overwhelming, getting real data on your fertility options can be empowering. Knowledge often reduces fear.

And if you are finding yourself feeling pressure (or offense) when others keep asking you questions about when you will be having children, here are a few ways to respond, depending on your mood and the situation:

If you want to shut it down politely – “That’s a personal topic, and I’d rather not discuss it.” Or “I appreciate your curiosity, but that’s between me and my future.”

If you want to change the subject quickly – “Oh, who knows! Life is full of surprises. Anyway, how’s your job/family/hobby?” Or “I’ll cross that bridge when I get there! By the way, did you hear about…?”

If you want to keep it light – “I’m still accepting applications for a full-time nanny – know anyone?” Or “When the stars align or when I win the lottery, whichever comes first!”

If you want to set a boundary clearly – “I’d rather not have this conversation. It’s a personal decision.” Or “That’s not something I discuss with others, but thanks for your interest.”

If you feel comfortable sharing a bit – “It’s actually something I think about a lot, and it’s not as simple as it seems.” Or “That’s a complicated topic for me, and I’d appreciate it if we didn’t make it small talk.”

If you want to make them rethink asking people this invasive question – “Why do you ask?” (This puts the pressure back on them.) Or “What makes you so interested in my reproductive plans?”

Take care!