Grieving During The Holidays

I have suffered a huge loss lately, and the idea of getting thru the holidays while I am dealing with this seems impossible.  How can I survive this next month or so?

Dear Grieving During the Holidays,

Managing grief during the holidays can be especially challenging, as the season often emphasizes joy, togetherness, and celebration, which is not what you are feeling at all.  I am not exactly sure what type of loss you have experienced, so I am going to offer suggestions that will help with a variety of circumstances.

Acknowledge Your Feelings – accept your emotions as they happen, no matter what they are.  It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even numb. Grief is a complex process, and there’s no “right” way to feel. Set aside time to acknowledge your loss, every day, whether through journaling, meditation, or simply quiet reflection.  Don’t try to pretend it’s not happening (that’s just a waste of energy and it won’t work for very long!).

Adjust Traditions – give yourself permission to modify or skip certain traditions if they feel overwhelming. Create new ones that honor your loved one (if your loss was a death) or that feel more manageable (if your loss was more like a divorce or job/home loss).

Communicate Your Feelings/Needs – this is not the time to try to manage alone!  Connect with others – people you know or complete strangers (join an online support group, etc).  Sharing your feelings helps lighten the burden.  Listening to others who are living the same kind of experience can help guide you and comfort you.

Set Boundaries – remember that it’s okay to say no to events or responsibilities that feel too much to handle.  Figure out your own energy levels first, and decide from there (even if this is a daily review).  Be sure to let friends and family know what you’re comfortable with regarding your involvement in gatherings or celebrations – they will understand.

Honor The Memories – if you are struggling with the death of a loved one, light a candle, share stories, cook their favorite dish, or create a special ornament or decoration in their honor. It’s okay to include the memory of the person in the holiday season, even if it brings some sadness.

Consider Acts of Kindness – donate to a cause your loved one cared about or volunteer your time in their memory.  Sometimes we need to find a new purpose or goodness in the holiday season.  And helping others who are struggling reminds us that there are things beyond our situation that also matter.

Rest and Nourish Yourself – grief can take a toll on your physical health, so ensure you’re eating well, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep and staying active in whatever ways work best. If these foundations are off, everything else will be much harder to manage.

Seek Professional Help – if the grief feels overwhelming or you’re struggling to cope, consider speaking to a therapist or counsellor.  There is no shame in reaching out for extra help when it is needed (not doing so just keeps you stuck).

Focus on Positive Memories – let the happy moments you experienced join your sorrow and pain. As we walk through our grief, we must learn to live simultaneously in two worlds (the past where we had the person/experience that we loved; and the reality of the present/future which no longer has them/it in it).  Allow both sides to exist (not just the grief) – the love/positive memories can bring comfort and balance.

Anticipate Triggers – certain songs, places, or traditions might evoke strong emotions. Think about how you’ll handle these moments when (not if) they happen.

Have an Exit Strategy – have a plan in place for stepping away from celebrations and activities early if it becomes too overwhelming.  You are allowed!  Accept that this will be a hard holiday season. There’s no need to force cheerfulness or compare your grieving process to others – be gentle with yourself.

Celebrate Small Wins – when you made it through a tough day, recognize that effort.  Focus on how well you are managing, instead of what you feel you “should” be doing differently.

If you are supporting children or teens through the loss that you have experienced, remember that they will need extra support too.  Their grief needs tend to look a bit different.  You may not have the energy to help your children by yourself, if your losses are similar.  That’s okay – turn to your community for help this holiday season.  Allow others to be the support that your whole family may need.

Create a Safe Space for Discussion – encourage your kids to share their feelings, but don’t force them to talk if they’re not ready. Let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling – whether it’s sadness, anger, or guilt.

Give Them Some Control – ask your kids what they need for the holiday season. Find out what would make things easier for them.  Allow them to decide which traditions to keep, modify, or skip altogether. And try to understand and respect their choices if they prefer not to participate in certain activities (everyone will likely have a different level of tolerance this year).

Be Patient with Mood Changes – grief can amplify emotions, so your kids may be more sensitive or withdrawn. Reassure them (and yourself) that this is normal.  While grief needs its time, ask trusted friends/loved ones to offer distractions for your kids – like a fun movie night or time spent at a friend’s house – so they can get a break from heavy emotions. Teens especially often feel more comfortable opening up to friends. Support healthy opportunities for them to spend time with people they trust.

Trust Your Judgement – offer quiet support when you sense it is needed.  Sometimes just sitting with your kids or giving a hug can mean more than words.  Be observant and watch for signs of deeper distress.  If your kids are withdrawing from activities they usually enjoy, or are showing changes in appetite or sleeping patterns, they might need a release for the emotions they are carrying.  Consider rage room activities, or 1:1 outings with someone they will open up to, or help them connect to a Help Line or a counsellor, if they need more professional support.

Take care!