Being Badgered
Dear Tacit,
How do I deal with a situation where someone in authority is pressuring me to answer a question, by asking it over and over again without giving me time to respond? Even when I answer, I still feel stressed and shaken up, if they keep badgering me.
Signed: Being Badgered
Dear Being Badgered,
What a great question – I suspect many people can relate to what you are describing, and there is a good reason for it! When our brains feel trapped, or stressed, or out-of-balance for any reason, our sympathetic nervous system kicks into high gear. Most people know this feeling as the “Fight, Flight, or Freeze” (and more recently “Fawn” and “Tend & Befriend”) patterns that are the main natural short-term response mechanisms for every human being.
Let me explain (very basically, because I am not a very sciencey person LOL) how the brain works. In general terms, the brain has one primary mission statement – to keep it’s human alive! And if/when it senses any sort of overload developing (emotionally, mentally or physically), the brain reads this as a danger to its overall safety and wellbeing.
Usually, when we are busy living our lives, our cognitive functioning (our thinking state) is in charge. This means we can analyze current situations, recall stored experiences (the wisdom of past situations) and make appropriate decisions about the things that we will say or do in order to create positive future situations. We are focused on the bigger picture – our longer-term needs/goals.
But when our brain feels threatened in any way, the thinking part stops being in charge. The reaction part takes over, and this is driven by an automatic reflex/response. We will jump back or push away or shut down (or acquiesce or care give to someone else) in an effort to calm or alleviate the stress/threat that our brain is perceiving in that moment. Our brain opts for a short-term defensive reaction, because immediate safety becomes the only goal it can focus on.
It is completely understandable then that when a person who is in a position of power or authority (like a parent, a boss, a police officer, someone we have a crush on, a doctor, etc) is asking us questions, our brains may get a feeling of danger (especially if that person is firing those questions at us quickly; or repeatedly asking the same thing again and again, which makes it seem like our answer was not “right”).
We may want to impress the person, or we may feel daunted by their expertise/knowledge, or we may be worried we are “in trouble” and that the person is upset with us. All of these feelings will cause our brains to stop thinking clearly and to instead react with whatever sympathetic nervous system response is our go-to safety mechanism. We don’t think about it and decide to do it – a switch goes off in our brain and it just happens automatically.
When the overload happens, our ability to think clearly and make good choices is severely limited. Many of the neural synapses that connect our emotional brain with our cognitive/thinking brain stop working – our blood flow and oxygenation systems focus around the emotional brain in order to empower it the most – and the fight-flight response jumps into high gear so that the human can be protected (even when this might not actually protect in the best way possible, in the long run)! Sometimes, this is referred to as “Flipping Our Lid”.
The remedy for this automatic and short-term response in our brains? Time and safety. We have to be able to step away from the overload that our brain is experiencing (sometimes for just a few moments – sometimes for much longer) and catch our breath again. We have to calm our brain and come to the realization that we are okay (not in danger). It is only when we feel more in control or more in a healthy balanced state that our thinking brain can reactivate fully. And this is when we will be able to find the answers that are being asked – or figure out the best course of action that will help us with our longer-term need/goal.
Practice helps with this – the more we are in triggering situations AND we manage them well/successfully (so the outcome is positive), the more our brain stops reading them as dangerous. Being able to use grounding techniques as the situation is happening is another way to lessen the reactions. If our physical body sensations are positive/safe and are what our brain is focusing on (more than the emotional or mental sensations that might seem unsafe), we can often override the sympathetic nervous system and activate the parasympathetic system instead (the “rest and digest” patterns which are calm and soothing).
These remedies allow our thinking brain to regain its power. Being able to feel a sense of control in the situation helps us feel less overloaded. It’s okay to tell the person that you “need a minute” so you can answer them (even if they don’t seem to want to give it to you). This gives you those few moments to calm your brain and to try to think beyond the immediate reaction your brain is wanting to have (so you can pick a response that is best for your long-term outcome).
If you want to read more about this topic, Stephen Covey shares a terrific “Pause and Respond” concept. Believe it or not, some of the best readings about this issue also come from kids’ books – like “Pause Power”. There are lots of short articles and videos that are also available – because so many people struggle with this issue! So, thanks for getting us to talk about it!
Take care!
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