Dealing With A Broken Record

My family member has been bringing up the same upsetting issue for the past 2 years.  How do I get them to stop?

Dear Dealing With A Broken Record,

That sounds frustrating – for you and probably for everyone who has been listening to your family member talk about this issue for so long. People tend to behave in this way for a few different reasons:

1. They feel unheard or unvalidated – if they didn’t get the resolution or acknowledgment they wanted at the time, they may still be seeking validation. They might be hoping that this time someone will agree with them, sympathize, or acknowledge their pain in a way that feels satisfying (and we ALL need this when we have been hurt or offended or upset about something).

2. They are stuck in the past – some people struggle to let go of old hurts because they have tied their identity to them. The resentment or grievance may have become part of their personal narrative, and letting it go might feel like losing a part of themselves.

3. They have not found closure – they may still be emotionally processing what had happened. If they never got an apology or resolution, they might be replaying it, hoping for a different outcome – even if it’s just getting others to take their side.

4. They use it to connect – complaining about past wrongs can be a form of bonding. If they bring it up often, it may be a habit or a way they seek supportive engagement in conversations.

5. They enjoy the drama – some people hold onto grievances because they get something out of it—attention, sympathy, or even a sense of moral superiority. Talking about it might make them feel justified or powerful.

6. They don’t realize it’s bothering others – if no one has clearly told them that this topic is exhausting or unnecessary, they might not realize how often they bring it up or how it affects others.  We can sometimes be a little blind to our own patterns!

You will have to decide for yourself why you think your family member is stuck in this bothersome pattern.  And based on the “why’s”, you can offer an appropriate different solution to disrupt the loop:

A brief acknowledgment can help the person feel validated/acknowledged, making it easier to redirect or shift the topic.  Try saying something like: “I can see this really hurt you. That must have been frustrating. But I don’t think talking about it over and over is helping you move forward.”  Then, change the subject to something neutral. Or better yet, ask them what they think they need to be able to move on/feel better about the situation. Let them know they deserve to be free from the negativity they are holding onto.

If you don’t want to engage, be direct but kind.  Try saying something like: “I’ve heard you talk about this before, and I know it still bothers you, but I don’t want to keep rehashing it.”  If they bring it up again, repeat: “We’ve gone over this already, and I need us to talk about something else, please.”

If your relationship allows for humor, you can lighten the mood while making your point.  Try saying something like: “Wow, that grudge has lasted longer than some marriages! Let’s talk about something fresh.”

If you feel comfortable doing so, gently challenge the person’s perspective and encourage them to see it differently.  Try saying something like: “You’ve carried this for a long time. Do you think holding onto it is helping or hurting you?” or “That was a long time ago. What would it take for you to feel at peace with it?”

And if they still won’t drop it, you can always disengage. You can say something like: “I don’t think talking about this is helpful. Let’s change the subject, or I might need to step away for a bit.”

Take Care!