Happiness

My life is fine – I have no big problems – and I am surrounded by people who love me.  But I just don’t seem to feel happy.  What’s wrong with me?

Dear Looking for Happiness,

There is nothing “wrong” with you!  Contrary to popular belief, happiness is not just a positive mood.  True happiness is not the result of being able to feel joyful all of the time.  That is just an impossible expectation – joy is exhausting – it sucks the energy out of us when we experience it.  And it is often directly influenced by so many factors – some of which are beyond our control.  These influences can include our genetics (the personality we are born with); our life situation (and all the stressors that brings); our achievements/successes in life; and the relationships/connections that we surround ourselves with.

Real happiness is a broader state of existence – a state of wellbeing that comes from a combination of a few necessary things.  It’s about moving your emotional baseline upward so you feel negative emotions less often and for shorter bursts.  It’s about building a resilient bubble around you that offers protection from the stress/strains of life.  These things take time – and are a process we have to learn.

Happiness is a skill that gets stronger with smart and effective regular practice.  It is 100% under our own control.  Happiness allows us to live longer and be healthy (we are three times more likely to be ill without it).  It buffers us from “junk happiness” – short term fixes and often unhealthy life choices (like overindulging – in too much sleep, shopping, substance use, scrolling, etc) that we use to avoid or cope with the negative moments in life.  These “junk happiness” options actually tend to drain real happiness.

To be truly happy, we need to be living a “good life” – and this is very uniquely defined by each person for themselves.  The commonality of the definition centres around the ability to create a life that has meaning and contentment, on an ongoing basis.  We need to be living in accordance with our value system (living authentically true to what we believe is right/best).  And we can apply this in 3 general ways – pleasure, purpose and meaning.

Part of living a “good life” is being able to enjoy the simple pleasures that our lives afford us.  These are the small things – which often cost next to nothing – that can fill our days with bursts of positivity and happiness.  We must be comfortable meeting our own needs in this way – of being able to know what brings us these simple gratifications and then prioritizing the time that is required to incorporate them in our day, no matter how busy life might get.

Another aspect of a “good life” is the ability to live purposefully.  Being able to be challenged; to grow and learn new things on an ongoing basis; to set and meet new goals – these are the ways we live as the best versions of ourselves.  We cannot live in the shadows (of others or of our fears) and expect to find happiness.  We need to find the path that stimulates us and gives us a reason to get up in the morning – that makes life exciting enough that we look forward to embracing each new day, even in just a small way.

And lastly, the meaning we find in this life is meant to be shared with others.  The connections we make along our journey will be different for everyone (more or less as each person needs).  But the people we surround ourselves with play a huge role in our overall happiness.  Whether our relationships give to us (and so we must be willing to receive) in healthy ways (ways that respect and honour our values) or whether they just take from us (time, effort and energy) will propel us further towards (or away) from a life of happiness.  And when what we give to others is a direct reflection of what they have shared with us, we have found a true healthy balance that can be maintained indefinitely.

Just know that “being happy” is a state of being that we all hope to reach at some point in our lives, ideally sooner rather than later, so we can enjoy it longer.  But it is the journey itself – the pathway towards happiness – that also improves our wellness in many different ways.  Our cardio system strengthens, and our immune system improves.  Inflammation and blood pressure levels drop.  Humans have a longer life expectancy – and the quality of that life vastly improves – when we are actively living a life that leads us towards a happy state of being, even if we have not yet reached the destination in quite a complete enough way.

Take care!