A Worried Parent
Dear Tacit,
If I am worried about how my teen is doing, mentally and emotionally, how can I get them to talk to me about whatever is going on?
Signed: A Worried Parent
Dear Worried Parent
Talking to your teen about how they are managing, mentally and emotionally, is important. If you don’t bring up the worries you have, or the concerns you are seeing, your teen might not ever know that it is a subject that they should be talking about. They might think that whatever is going on for them is “normal” and think that they should handle it alone.
But even if you are NOT a worried parent and your teen seems to be doing well, having conversations about mental wellness is still a really helpful thing to do. Waiting until there is a problem will only make the situation more awkward and challenging for you both.
When you want to broach the any subject relating to mental wellness, keep these suggestions in mind:
Choose the Right Moment: remember that timing is everything! You want your teen to be relaxed and not preoccupied with other things that are a priority for them. Some of the best parent/teen conversations happen during other more mundane moments – like while you are on a walk, a drive, or doing another activity (cooking, gardening, etc) where the attention on your teen is not so direct.
Be Approachable: let your teen know that you’re there to listen without judgment. Sometimes, just saying, “I’m here for you, whenever you’re ready to talk,” can make a big difference. Say it often – so your words echo in your teen’s head even when you are not speaking them.
Say the Words: you have to be ready to talk about feelings, mental health triggers and warning signs, first. You will have to normalize the discussion and role-model a desire to talk about these things for your teen. And you will need to show you have a tolerance for any discomfort or awkwardness that might develop (kind of like when you are getting ready to have the sex talk LOL). So, get prepared.
Express Concern, Not Pressure: gently describe what you have noticed about your teen that might be indicating that they seem to be going through something challenging. Be open about and focus on the care you have for them (not on their behaviours). Don’t pressure them to talk – but make sure the door stays open so they can enter into the conversation easily and at any time. Invite them often.
Discuss Other Experiences: if you have faced a difficult situation that seems similar, offer to share that experience with your teen (briefly). Talk about your own mental wellness and how you manage it in healthy ways. This can make the conversation feel less like an interrogation and more like a mutual understanding moment. Or ask them about what their friends are going through – this can provide a buffer for a teen who wants to open up about themselves, but with some safe distance.
Listen More Than You Speak: give your teen the full opportunity to express themselves. Sometimes, as parents, we rush to rescue or protect our teen when we seem them struggling. But we need to allow for silences and pauses. Avoid interrupting or offering solutions right away. Just listen (and validate), first.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: instead of asking yes/no questions (like, “are you stressed about something”), try asking open-ended ones like, “Can you tell me what’s been on your mind lately?” This invites them to share more.
Listen Without Reacting Strongly: when your teen does open up, listen calmly. Avoid reacting with negative emotions, as this might make them reluctant to share in the future. It’s okay to say you don’t know what you are thinking/feeling, in response to whatever your teen tells you. If you need time to process what they have said, let them know this and make sure you arrange for a follow-up chat soon afterward (set a specific day/time – don’t leave things hanging).
Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions and let them know it’s okay to feel the way they do. Even if you don’t fully understand their feelings, showing empathy builds trust.
Follow Up Gently: If they don’t talk right away, check in again later without pushing too hard. Sometimes, just knowing you care enough to ask again is enough to help your teen feel ready to open up after a few days.
Encourage Other Help: build a network of support around your teen. Help them connect to other significant adults that they respect and trust – a teacher, coach, boss, aunt/uncle, family friend, etc. And if more is needed, encourage your teen to connect with a mental health professional. Go with them, to the first session, if they are nervous. Help them see that by talking to a counsellor before the issue gets too big, they are getting familiar with the process in case they need it for a crisis down the road.
Learn Together: you and your teen can grow together as you go through books, online resources, or even attend a workshop or mental wellness program with one another.
Above all, remember that conversations about mental wellness cannot happen once a year. They need to be regular occurrences – when things seem good AND when things seem problematic. Communicating and connecting with your child when they were younger was easier – they depended on you for so much. As they become tweens/teens, their independence grows – but they STILL need you. And a mental wellness focus is the perfect topic to help maintain those strong connections – there are so many different aspects of our mental health that we can discuss.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
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