The Birds And The Bees
Dear Tacit,
How do I talk to my kids about sex? It’s just so incredibly awkward and I am not sure what to say.
Signed: The Birds and The Bees
Dear The Birds and The Bees,
Ahhhh how to navigate the always infamous “the birds and the bees” conversation! Many parents find this tricky territory to approach with their kids.
To me, the “sex talk” is actually an ongoing conversation that begins when kids are about 6 months of age – and doesn’t finish until…. well, I will let you know – my son is almost 23 and the conversation is still ongoing! LOL The concept of the sex talk includes so many different aspects – body parts and differences, reproduction, intimacy (on both an emotional and physical level), curiosity, fantasy, legalities and personal protection, gender roles/identities, sexual orientation, moral beliefs, the concept of love (in its many splendid forms), body image and self esteem, etc.
Research tells us that kids who have regular sexual education and awareness conversations with their parents are less likely to take risks with their sexual health – and are more likely to be healthy and safe with their choices. Long gone are the days when leaving the responsibility of teaching kids about sex should be left up to the school system (or even worse, their friends)! With access to everything (both appropriate and inappropriate) so readily available via the internet, parents must take a very active role in being the gatekeepers of what they believe is healthy for their children to learn.
As a general rule, I would suggest starting by making sure that the significant adults involved in this process need to be on the same page with what will be shared, and at what points in life. Creating a “team” approach to sexual education will make it much smoother for everyone. And I suggest you try to time the conversations that are relevant to your child’s needs to a point just BEFORE the need fully arises. Talking about key issues after your child has explored/taken action on their own will likely lead to much more complicated challenges.
Here are some pointers to make these sometimes very awkward conversations go a little smoother:
Start Early: It’s good to lay the foundation conversations early, so you and your child can grow into this process together. You can begin to teach your children the proper names of their body parts (based on your family’s beliefs) before they are even able to speak. You are the foundation for appropriate sexual awareness for every age/stage of development for your child. You will also have to put safeguards in place and explain why (in ways that are age-appropriate for your kids) when you establish healthy boundaries and sexual values for your children, throughout their young lives.
Use Age-Appropriate Language: Tailor your language to the age and maturity level of your child. Use simple, clear terms that they can understand. Remember their attention span and ability to focus when you have these conversations – short and concise is usually the best approach, until your children become tweens/teens. And then more lengthy discussions about the complexities of relationships, feelings, pressures and sexual appropriateness will be required.
Be Open and Approachable: Create an environment where your child feels safe to ask questions without judgment. Let them know they can talk to you about anything. You will need to bring up the subject at times – don’t always wait for them to come to you to ask. Show your child that you can handle the discussions and encourage them to share their thoughts, feelings and curiosities, by initiating these learning moments on a regular basis.
Initiate Conversations Naturally: Use everyday situations or prompts from TV shows, movies, or life-moments to bring up the topic naturally. Use open-ended questions, to become aware of what your child/teen already knows (or thinks they know). Ask your child/teen about what their friends are saying or doing (and about their opinion relating to this information) as an indirect way to get conversations happening.
Answer Questions Honestly: Be prepared to answer questions honestly and directly (steer away from cutesy terms and vague suggested references). If you don’t know the answer, that’s okay – admit it – and offer to find out together. Share books and resources with your child – or (as they get older) allow them to access these materials on their own and then discuss what they have learned with you.
Discuss Consent and Boundaries: Teach your child about consent, boundaries, and healthy relationships from an early age. Emphasize that sex is a natural part of life and discuss it in terms of health, emotions, and respect for oneself and others. Know who your kids are hanging around/talking to, in-person and online. Focus on helping your child know how and why it’s okay to say no and to protect themself in age-appropriate ways. Communicate your values and beliefs about sex, relationships, and responsibility, while also acknowledging that others may have different beliefs.
Encourage Critical Thinking: Help your child develop critical thinking skills about media portrayals of sex and relationships. Help them develop empathy and awareness of how others may have different sexual knowledge or comfort levels. And teach them how to assist anyone who seems helpless or powerless, in crisis situations.
Above all, remember to be patient and reassuring. It’s okay if these conversations are sometimes awkward for both you and your child. Continue the conversations on an ongoing basis, over decades. This will NEVER be a one-time talk. The goal is to provide accurate information, promote healthy attitudes towards sex and relationships, and establish open lines of communication so that your child feels supported and informed as they navigate this very important and healthy aspect of life.
Take care!
Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially.
Want to start your counselling today?
Make an Appointment
Add Comment