Feeling Like A Fake

Feeling Like A Fake

Dear Tacit,

I have been told that I am pretty good at my job.  I have been in the same field for about 10 years.  But I keep going through these periods of doubting myself.  I feel like I am just faking it, and one day everyone will figure out that I should not be here! What’s wrong with me?

Signed: Feeling Like a Fake

Dear Feeling Like a Fake,

What you are describing might be a case of Imposter Syndrome.  This is a very common phenomenon that most people experience (and often at a few different points in their life).  It’s the feeling of being a phoney or a fraud – of barely being able to manage, even when we seem to be excelling.  It’s the overwhelming sense of self doubt and incompetency that rushes over a person who is actually properly educated, well experienced or naturally capable of the task that they are performing.

Imposter Syndrome does not just impact a person in their workplace – it is a feeling that we might also experience in our personal relationships as well. We can start to believe we are a failure in our friendships or intimate partnerships; and even as mom/father, adult child, sibling or any other family role.  On the outside, we might seem to be confident and assured.  But on the inside, we feel like we are flailing frantically and could drown at any minute.

People struggling with Imposter Syndrome are often highly sensitive to criticism.  They agonize over the smallest of details and tend to have a perfectionism or over-achiever mentality.  They struggle to accept compliments or praise and they deflect when they are having a confident or capable moment, by attributing the positive to something outside of themselves (luck, good timing, someone else’s help, etc).  These individuals will also sometimes sabotage their success – they can be quite uncomfortable when things are going well/smoothly and will create hiccups (often subconsciously) to “prove” the inner beliefs that they have about themselves.

There are 5 mains types of Imposter Syndrome (according to Dr Valerie Young):

1. The Perfectionist – believes that, unless they were absolutely perfect, they could have done better – so they are not as good as others might think they are.
2. The Expert – believes that because they don’t know everything there is to know about a particular subject or topic, or they haven’t mastered every step in a process (there is more for them to learn), they have not yet reached the rank of “expert” and so are not good enough.
3. The Natural Genius – does not believe that they are naturally intelligent or competent because they don’t get something right the first time around or it takes them longer to master a skill.
4. The Soloist – thinks that asking for help to reach a certain level or status means they could not get there on their own, so they question their competence or abilities.
5. The Superperson – believes they must be the hardest worker or reach the highest levels of achievement possible and, if they don’t, they are not good enough.

You might be thinking that these thought patterns are, “just how I push myself to do better”!  There is nothing wrong with finding ways to encourage and push ourselves to grow, but unfortunately, when a person is stuck in an Imposter Syndrome pattern, other problems tend to develop that actually drain energy and confidence, and end up preventing this personal growth from happening.

Often, these individuals struggle with lots of anxiety or depression issues.  They over-prepare and over-work, and this can lead to burnout patterns (on the job and in relationships).  A person can become quite isolated and feel very alone. They tend to not talk about their self doubts and worries, and they believe no one else feels the same way, which leads them to feel even more detached from the people who know them best.  As their self-doubts and low confidence take over, these individuals are less likely to reach for the harder levels/goals in life, because they genuinely do not feel they could ever achieve the success.  And they often develop patterns of procrastination because the doubts create a fear of finishing/taking action.

There are many reasons why people develop Imposter Syndrome.   It can be linked to issues from our childhood – if we had parents who were too controlling or over-protective; or who were not consistent with praise/criticism; or if there was a great deal of conflict in the home, with little support.  It can be linked to new transitions in life – times when we are genuinely less experienced/knowledgeable but are feeling a pressure to succeed (starting a new job, going to university, having a baby, etc).  Certain personality types are more prone to developing Imposter Syndrome than others – like perfectionists or people with varying degrees of neurosis (high anxiety, excess guilt, insecurity/low esteem, easily upset, etc).  But no matter the triggers, these feelings of being a phony or a fraud are a very common experience.  And now that you understand them better, hopefully you can work through them easier!

Take care!

Do you have a question you would like us to address? Please feel free to reach out to us at counsellors@tacitknows.com. Your answer will be provided confidentially. 

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